When I grow up

As a little girl if you were to have asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, the answer would have been a mom, more specifically a stay at home mom. Motherhood was always the “grownup” goal. Even at a young age I realized there were other important aspects to this goal, for example, I knew I wanted to be an educated mom and that meant working hard in school and making good grades, it meant going to college and getting my degree so that one day I could teach my children and help them to understand the importance of an education, so this is exactly what I did. Then came that great day when I graduated from college. I was so proud of my accomplishment, yet it also came with the realization that I was now officially a grownup and I was nowhere close to becoming a mother. I had no children, husband, or even a boyfriend. I realized I needed a Plan B, and this was scary and challenging. I figured the first step to moving into adulthood was the ability to provide for myself, so I found a job. It wasn’t the ideal job, but it paid well for a young girl right out of college and it was after all only a job until the real plan of motherhood became a viable option. After about six months at this job I realized I needed more than just a job, I needed a career, a way to provide for myself for the long term. I felt completely immobilized. I had never thought about a career, something to do for the rest of my life other than motherhood, I was lost. As luck would have it I found a job in my current field and quickly realized that this job had the ability to be more, to be my career. I enjoyed what I was doing and saw there were opportunities, so just as I had done with my education I worked hard and was able to turn my job into my career. Over the years I advanced myself both in pay and position, taking on new titles and new responsibilities. I realized I was good at having a career and for the most part really enjoyed it. I still hadn’t lost sight of the desire to be a mom, but I loved the sense of accomplishment that came with providing for myself and reaching career goals. After a number of years, I met my husband, and the opportunity for Plan A became a bit more of a reality. My husband was extremely supportive of my career, but also of the goal of motherhood, so together we started working on Plan A. It turned out motherhood wasn’t as simple as deciding I wanted a baby. I once again found myself working hard for my goal, doing whatever the doctor asked of me. Then in March we found out we are finally going to have a baby. I am going to be a mother. I am ecstatic. Finally this lifelong goal of being a stay at home mom is going to happen. At first thought choosing Plan A was so obvious, it is the “A” plan after all, and doesn’t that make it the first and the best plan? But wait a second, what about Plan B? The career that I’ve worked so hard for, that I’ve cared and nurtured over the last seven years of my life, can I really just let this plan die? I once again find myself scared. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, because trust me I am immensely grateful for this little boy we’re about to welcome into our family and that I have a husband that is going to be able to support our family and allow me to stay home, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to be mourning the loss of my career. If nothing else I am certainly mourning the loss of my income and the changes and challenges that will present! But more than that for the last seven years my career has defined at least a part of who I am, it’s where I spend most of my time, it’s the source of my adult interactions, it requires me to continually push myself to achieve more. I am going to miss Plan B. It scares me to walk away from something I’ve worked so hard for, the realization that one day if I come back to this career path that I will likely be starting over. In a sense, I feel like I’m throwing away the last several years of my life. I do realize that there are women who either out of choice or necessity have children and career and that I am making the decision to be a stay at home mom, but it certainly isn’t as easy of a choice as I thought it would be. I look forward to the new experiences, opportunities and challenges that come with Plan A, but for now I’m taking a moment to mourn the passing of Plan B.