I’ve been extremely reluctant to put this information out in the blogosphere for the world to read, but I feel it’s necessary to put a disclaimer out there for all my craziness. Also, it might be nice to just get it off my chest, so here it is. I am dealing with infertility. Just typing the words made me eyes tear up a little bit. We have been trying to get pregnant for about a year now with zero success. Yes, I understand that a year is not that long, and there are couples that have tried or are still trying after years with no luck. That being said, it doesn’t make my last 12 months any easier. I always assumed that once we decided to have babies I would simply stop taking birth control and would have a little one growing within the next couple days. The first few months I didn’t worry or think anything about the timing not going right as I had planned. Then in early May my period was late – much later then normal. I didn’t feel pregnant (people laugh at me when I say this, but I’m assuming I’ll feel different when/if it actually happens) but I took a test anyway. It was negative. A few weeks later and still no period or baby. I called the doctor to make an appointment; it was time for my yearly exam anyway so I figured I’d just have both checked out at once. By the time I actually got in to see the doctor it’d been nearly 90 days since my last period. I had taken a home pregnancy test the day before my appointment which was negative, yet when the doctor confirmed I wasn’t pregnant I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I knew, but hearing it out loud was heartbreaking and concerning –no baby and no period for that long, something was up. Thus started my routine of hormone pills. The doctor prescribed both progesterone and chlomid – the two most common pills for infertility. I currently go in every month to have blood work done to see if the pills are working as they are supposed to (so far, they aren’t). The first time I went for blood work they gave me my paper work to take to the lab and it had the word “infertility” circled on it. I decided right then it’s the worst word that anyone has every associated me with. It since has lost its sting a little bit, but it still hurts. Most days I am totally fine and happy and honestly love my life, but there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about making our little family of two a family of three. It’s hard not to think about something that I so desperately want. Coupled with the desire to have a baby is the wonderful side effects of taking so many hormone pills, and here is where the disclaimer comes in. If you happen to see me crying for no apparent reason, or if I’m rude or short with you, please forgive me – I’ve got these crazy pills running through me.
footnote – sorry if you feel I shouldn’t have shared such personal information on my blog, but be warned there’s likely more posts of this nature to come. Not to mention some stories from side effects of the crazy pills.
Infertility is dang hard to go through, I don't think I would wish it on anybody. 12 months doesn't sound like a long time in the grand scheme of things, but when you're going through it, it seems like an eternity. It took us 18 months and surgery to get pregnant with Isabelle and it felt like a lifetime. Going through that cycle every month, hoping and thinking that it could happen, imagining what it will be like and then having your hopes dashed when you find out that its not the month and having to start all over. Combine that with insurance issues and doctors visits, its stressful.
ReplyDeleteI truly hope that everything work out for you, we'll keep you and Pat in our prayers! I know from experience that miracles do happen and that Heavenly Father loves us and does what is best for us, even if it isn't at the timing that we want. (((hugs)))
I know I say this all the time, but I'm really sorry sister. I know all too well what you are going through and how much it sucks. No one really understands the pain until they have lived it. All I can say is that I'm here for you all the time whenever you need to vent, and or cry... Love you!
ReplyDeleteI too know what you're going through. We tried for 5 years before we got pregnant with Rylee. The doctor told me while we were trying that there was good news and bad news- good news was there was nothing wrong with me, but the bad news was there was nothing wrong with me so they didn't know how to help me. We tried different things, but in the end it was in the Lord's hands. I know there is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. Just know that I understand how you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteI love you! I am so sorry for what you are going through. You and Pat are in our prayers. I know that you guys will be such great parents one day. And yes, it is in the Lord's hands. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to grasp! We all go through trials in our lives, everyone has different ones, but there isn't anything that we can't handle. You are such a strong person...this is making you stronger.
ReplyDeleteYou're the best!
Oh Nic, I can't imagine how difficult that would be....especially with the hormones. You may recall that was one of my biggest fears because some of my sisters have had issues getting and staying pregnant. Hang in there, when that little one comes along, it will just be all the more sweeter. My sister Jessica tried for five years and now has her three kids. You'll get through it.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't apologize for putting this on your blog. It can be a great release and way to get support. If you are interested or think it will be of any help, here is my friends blog dedicated to their quest for parenthood: http://www.inpursuitofparenthood.com/
And I'm always here if you need to talk.