I just really love the pioneers

A few Sundays ago the topic in sacrament meeting was the pioneers. I have such a great love and respect for the early Saints. In my teenage years when my testimony wasn’t as strong I often found myself relying on the testimony of those Saints. I knew it had to be true, because they knew and suffered so much for it. On this particular Sunday I was especially touched. My sweet visiting teacher was speaking and I couldn’t help but cry as she talked of the Prophet, Joseph Smith. At first these tears were fine, and within reason, but as her talk progressed I found myself crying heavily. Then a word. By the end of the song, I was bawling. Patrick was mortified. He leaned over and asked me what was wrong and all I could say was “I just really love the pioneers.” I felt ridiculous! Yes, I love the early saints, but this was out of hand! I called my mom later to relay this event to her and she was quick to remind me “well, you are taking all those hormones.” It was a relief to know I hadn’t completely lost it and there was a good explanation for this little episode.

Forgive Me - I'm on Crazy Pills

I’ve been extremely reluctant to put this information out in the blogosphere for the world to read, but I feel it’s necessary to put a disclaimer out there for all my craziness. Also, it might be nice to just get it off my chest, so here it is. I am dealing with infertility. Just typing the words made me eyes tear up a little bit. We have been trying to get pregnant for about a year now with zero success. Yes, I understand that a year is not that long, and there are couples that have tried or are still trying after years with no luck. That being said, it doesn’t make my last 12 months any easier. I always assumed that once we decided to have babies I would simply stop taking birth control and would have a little one growing within the next couple days. The first few months I didn’t worry or think anything about the timing not going right as I had planned. Then in early May my period was late – much later then normal. I didn’t feel pregnant (people laugh at me when I say this, but I’m assuming I’ll feel different when/if it actually happens) but I took a test anyway. It was negative. A few weeks later and still no period or baby. I called the doctor to make an appointment; it was time for my yearly exam anyway so I figured I’d just have both checked out at once. By the time I actually got in to see the doctor it’d been nearly 90 days since my last period. I had taken a home pregnancy test the day before my appointment which was negative, yet when the doctor confirmed I wasn’t pregnant I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I knew, but hearing it out loud was heartbreaking and concerning –no baby and no period for that long, something was up. Thus started my routine of hormone pills. The doctor prescribed both progesterone and chlomid – the two most common pills for infertility. I currently go in every month to have blood work done to see if the pills are working as they are supposed to (so far, they aren’t). The first time I went for blood work they gave me my paper work to take to the lab and it had the word “infertility” circled on it. I decided right then it’s the worst word that anyone has every associated me with. It since has lost its sting a little bit, but it still hurts. Most days I am totally fine and happy and honestly love my life, but there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about making our little family of two a family of three. It’s hard not to think about something that I so desperately want. Coupled with the desire to have a baby is the wonderful side effects of taking so many hormone pills, and here is where the disclaimer comes in. If you happen to see me crying for no apparent reason, or if I’m rude or short with you, please forgive me – I’ve got these crazy pills running through me.

footnote – sorry if you feel I shouldn’t have shared such personal information on my blog, but be warned there’s likely more posts of this nature to come. Not to mention some stories from side effects of the crazy pills.

Here Comes Your Man

This little diddy came on my ipod today and it brought back happy memories of our wedding day. I love that Pat picked this tune to walk into the ceremony to. He's so hip and cool ;) Oh how I love him!