Stage 5

Remember a few weeks ago when I posted this blog and was grieving the loss of my HR career? Well I am happy to report I have reached Stage 5 of the grieving process which is Acceptance. Not only have I accepted the end of my career, I am now counting down the days! I let my boss and coworkers know that I won't be coming back after the baby is born and now I'm just ready to be done! I am doing everything in my power to stay motivated and engaged, luckily I have a few projects to wrap up before I go! Six more weeks until the baby is due and until I trade in the HR business for mom business! Hurrah!!

REM Sleep

I am sort of in denial of the fact that I ever even reach the point of REM sleep these days, but I must, because I'm having dreams, extremely vivid dreams, some of which could be classified as nightmares. A few nights ago I had a dream that I was horrible at being a mother. I wanted to be good at it and I was trying so hard, but I just simply was bad at it. It seemed no matter what I did it wasn't enough, or was just flat out the wrong thing to do. At one point during the dream I suddenly exclaimed "oh no, the baby is outside!" and then proceeded to go pick up my crying baby from a puddle in the pouring rain. He was swaddeled all nice and tight and had a hat on his head to keep him warm, so as you can see I was obviously trying to do good things, but that didn't counteract the fact he was lying soaking wet in a puddle. I'm sure the dream came from a few of the fears I've been having lately, namely that

1.) I am not going to bond with my baby

2.) I really am going to be bad at it seeing as I don't have a clue what I'm doing

3.) I am going to suffer from post pardom depression

With that, I suppose I shouldn't read too much into the dream as the very same night I dreamt that Pat was standing at the vaniety rubbing toothpaste all over his belly. I have no analysis of, or reasoning behind that one.

Me & The Animal Kingdom

This week marks 32 weeks. Only 8 weeks to go (give or take a week or two)! I know that a lot of first time moms go past their due date and I could deliver as late as 42 weeks, but I'm hoping this baby has mercy on me and decides not to do that. The wait and anticipation are kinda killing me. Physically I am feeling pretty good, but emotionally and mentally I am way over waiting for him to arrive. In my ideal world he'd be all nice and ready to go at 37 weeks, which for those who don't know is considered full term. That being said, I have come to terms with waiting 8 more weeks, I am hopeful it will only be 5, and the thought of it being 10 kinda makes me want to hurt someone. As I sit and wait, I decided to find out some information about just how long of a wait (gestation period) us humans really have in comparison to the rest of the animal kingdom - here are my findings.

Animal Average Days

Hamster 16

Chicken 22

Kangaroo 35

Dog 63

Lion 108

Sheep 151

Bear 210

Hippo 240 (this one surprised me!)

Human 280

Horse 366

Blue Whale 373

Elephant 684

In short, the information I found didn't really make me feel any better, it did make me feel grateful I'm not giving birth to a whale and made me feel really bad for momma elephants. Speaking of momma whales and elephants, while I might not be giving birth to either one, I am certainly looking like both - don't believe me, here's picture proof!

When I grow up

As a little girl if you were to have asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, the answer would have been a mom, more specifically a stay at home mom. Motherhood was always the “grownup” goal. Even at a young age I realized there were other important aspects to this goal, for example, I knew I wanted to be an educated mom and that meant working hard in school and making good grades, it meant going to college and getting my degree so that one day I could teach my children and help them to understand the importance of an education, so this is exactly what I did. Then came that great day when I graduated from college. I was so proud of my accomplishment, yet it also came with the realization that I was now officially a grownup and I was nowhere close to becoming a mother. I had no children, husband, or even a boyfriend. I realized I needed a Plan B, and this was scary and challenging. I figured the first step to moving into adulthood was the ability to provide for myself, so I found a job. It wasn’t the ideal job, but it paid well for a young girl right out of college and it was after all only a job until the real plan of motherhood became a viable option. After about six months at this job I realized I needed more than just a job, I needed a career, a way to provide for myself for the long term. I felt completely immobilized. I had never thought about a career, something to do for the rest of my life other than motherhood, I was lost. As luck would have it I found a job in my current field and quickly realized that this job had the ability to be more, to be my career. I enjoyed what I was doing and saw there were opportunities, so just as I had done with my education I worked hard and was able to turn my job into my career. Over the years I advanced myself both in pay and position, taking on new titles and new responsibilities. I realized I was good at having a career and for the most part really enjoyed it. I still hadn’t lost sight of the desire to be a mom, but I loved the sense of accomplishment that came with providing for myself and reaching career goals. After a number of years, I met my husband, and the opportunity for Plan A became a bit more of a reality. My husband was extremely supportive of my career, but also of the goal of motherhood, so together we started working on Plan A. It turned out motherhood wasn’t as simple as deciding I wanted a baby. I once again found myself working hard for my goal, doing whatever the doctor asked of me. Then in March we found out we are finally going to have a baby. I am going to be a mother. I am ecstatic. Finally this lifelong goal of being a stay at home mom is going to happen. At first thought choosing Plan A was so obvious, it is the “A” plan after all, and doesn’t that make it the first and the best plan? But wait a second, what about Plan B? The career that I’ve worked so hard for, that I’ve cared and nurtured over the last seven years of my life, can I really just let this plan die? I once again find myself scared. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, because trust me I am immensely grateful for this little boy we’re about to welcome into our family and that I have a husband that is going to be able to support our family and allow me to stay home, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to be mourning the loss of my career. If nothing else I am certainly mourning the loss of my income and the changes and challenges that will present! But more than that for the last seven years my career has defined at least a part of who I am, it’s where I spend most of my time, it’s the source of my adult interactions, it requires me to continually push myself to achieve more. I am going to miss Plan B. It scares me to walk away from something I’ve worked so hard for, the realization that one day if I come back to this career path that I will likely be starting over. In a sense, I feel like I’m throwing away the last several years of my life. I do realize that there are women who either out of choice or necessity have children and career and that I am making the decision to be a stay at home mom, but it certainly isn’t as easy of a choice as I thought it would be. I look forward to the new experiences, opportunities and challenges that come with Plan A, but for now I’m taking a moment to mourn the passing of Plan B.

Two-Thirds

Well folks, I am happy to report that I have officially reached the third trimester, 28 weeks today(!) and for the most part, feeling great. Sure I've got various aches and pains, not to mention the heartburn (oh the heartburn!) but overall I have no room to complain. Not only can I not complain, I am super grateful - I just got off the phone with my nurse and my glucose test came back fine and my blood pressure was perfectly normal at my appointment today (it's been a bit high at the last two appointments). I can hardly believe I'm saying this, but I'm really loving this phase of pregnancy. I love the little kicks and hiccups and am kinda in love with my growing belly! At least when it's covered, uncovered it's pretty yucky and already covered in stretch marks, but I figure no one really saw my stomach before pregnancy, so it shouldn't matter too much. Here's hoping that the third trimester is as kind to me as the second was! Just 12 weeks to go and our little boy will be in our arms. Hurray!

Night Owl?

Lately I feel like Dylan has been super quiet during the day - to the point it's concerning. I will sit and poke/push/pat my stomach trying to get him to respond, and I may get a kick or two, but not much. That being said, the last few nights I've woken up and he's in there going to town! Does this mean his sleep cycle is already backwards?? I know I'm in for a lot of sleepless nights, but this night time movement is making me nervous for what the coming months may hold!!

That being said, two nights ago he woke me up with my first baby hiccup experience

and I was so totally in love!

Baby Boy Updates

7/18 - As my alarm went off this morning, I painfully pulled myself out of bed and got into the shower. I was not feeling much more awake after my shower and in my normal lazy way I sat down on the ground to dry my hair. Once my hair was dry I decided it was impossible for me to stand up and get ready, I was just too sleepy, so I laid down on the floor. Suddenly as I was laying there I felt a tiny "pop" in my belly, almost like a bubble. I laid still for another minute and then came another "pop"! It suddenly dawned on me, I had just felt my baby move! Needless to say, I stayed laying on the floor for quite some time after that trying to encourage some additional "pops", consequently making me quite late for work! I only got the two small "pops" that morning, but in the weeks that have followed there have been times where my belly feels a little something like this… "POP, pop pop POP pop" Oh how I love feeling this little guy move around in my belly!

8/1 - Today we had a follow up ultrasound. At the initial ultrasound they couldn't get a clear view of Dylan's* heart, so they just wanted to take another look to make sure everything is okay. To our relief, everything looks great. They were able to see all four chambers and confirm he's looking good. I love every chance I get to look at our little boy. Towards the end of the ultra sound we were looking at his face when Dylan started yawning sooo big, then stuck out his tongue and yawned again. It was the most incredible thing. I couldn't stop giggling and crying at the same time. Somehow seeing those tiny baby yawns just made everything seem that much more real. Our little sleepy boy just growing away, getting ready to join our family. As we drove home from the appointment Pat made the comment, "we made that together, it's our greatest project to date." We love you little boy and can't wait to meet you, but we'll be patient as you still have some serious growing to do!

*Name subject but not likely to change